Lost

Everything's gone. 

Her voicemail messages, her emails, some of the text messages I had forwarded to my home email - all gone.

I feel like I just lost Lorraine for the second time. The pain feels like the night I heard the news of her passing, almost 5 years ago. I can't breathe, I can't think, my hands shake and my head is spinning. I can hardly see the computer screen through the tears and no matter how many times I repeat "this isn't happening" to myself, it clearly is... it already has. It's over for real now. Everything I had of hers is now gone, just like her.

I am devastated.

I don't know how not to be furious and react irrationally right now. I don't know how not to let anger take over and I don't know what to do other than clench my fists until my fingers are numb.

This is what happens when you block things out instead of feeling them. This is what happens when you don't mourn, say goodbye, and let go. I don't knoww to let go

I just don't.