Clarity

The last few weeks have been very trying, but this morning I decided it would stop. I faced my fear, said goodbye to it and started a new day.

As I watched my son in the rear view mirror blow kisses at me the entire way to daycare, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What could be important enough to drag my attention from him? Nothing. Nothing at all.

It's time to find a better option than dragging my feet somewhere I am not wanted day in and day out. It will suck to leave, but I don't think there's a choice anyway so...

Oh Sanity, Where Art Thou?

I can't remember if I posted about this before, but I am writing a book. Actually, I have been writing this book for a while, maybe 3 or 4 years? I guess I should be more diligent about writing often but I basically start and stop when time permits, or when the mood strikes. Can't be the right way to do this at all, but anyway... I digress.

I am thinking it is time I set a schedule to write a little bit every day and stick to it. That hardly ever works for me in general, but I have to start somewhere. It usually calms my nerves to write - I hadn't expected that when I started - and it seems to relax me. I am feeling overly stressed lately, so it is probably the best time to revert back to my writing.

I am not sure if any of what comes out of it will be good or interesting, or if it will all be affected by my mood and sound angry, dark and bitter... Maybe it should? Maybe it's going to be good for me to get the junk that's bugging me out of my mind and on paper. That's better than sharing it on Facebook at least, ha!

I used to write songs in the past when I felt like I have been feeling the past few weeks. I'd sit at my keyboard for hours and play random melodies until something clicked with my mood and then the words just flowed. I don't have a keyboard anymore. I would try it with the guitar, but then I may spend way too much time trying to figure out chords instead of playing, so... Maybe someday when I am better at the guitar, it will be easier to let it all out.

Lost

Everything's gone. 

Her voicemail messages, her emails, some of the text messages I had forwarded to my home email - all gone.

I feel like I just lost Lorraine for the second time. The pain feels like the night I heard the news of her passing, almost 5 years ago. I can't breathe, I can't think, my hands shake and my head is spinning. I can hardly see the computer screen through the tears and no matter how many times I repeat "this isn't happening" to myself, it clearly is... it already has. It's over for real now. Everything I had of hers is now gone, just like her.

I am devastated.

I don't know how not to be furious and react irrationally right now. I don't know how not to let anger take over and I don't know what to do other than clench my fists until my fingers are numb.

This is what happens when you block things out instead of feeling them. This is what happens when you don't mourn, say goodbye, and let go. I don't knoww to let go

I just don't.

Catching Up

Recapping last year's missing months in short bursts.

Found an apartment


Went to Boston for friends graduation and got to see Josh and Elise get ready for their wedding day. Sadly couldn't stay but they looked amazing, both of them!

Friends threw me a surprise mini-baby shower. Amazing of them!

Others friendships ended suddenly. Unsure why and it still stings at times, but eventually I'll catch on and move on.

Traveled to Maryland for my sister's big 4-0. They threw me a shower too, got to see some great friends! I miss my peeps =/.

Visit from one of my Florida sisters and her hubby for a weekend. Took silly pics, ate a lot, drank a lot (water for me, red wine for her but enough for the both of us =p).

Getting too big to walk, sit, stand, or sleep in pretty much any position.

Stopped working because I just couldn't anymore. Almost 9 months pregnant by then, big as a whale, with swollen feet the size of cantaloupes - yes, I am exaggerating (more like grapefruit size).

Went to a 4th of July BBQ and danced with my big belly

My mom and sisters came to stay with me for a month and a half to await little peanut's arrival.

I discovered Sherlock (holy Sherlock!), and Orphan Black (my life is now almost complete).

Peanut is here!!! (now my life is complete!). He is tiny.
I am terrified.
Hubby's birthday was mellow this time around.

Peanut is still tiny and also long. So long! My mom and sisters all left and it's just the 3 of us now. 2 of us during the day.

I stare at him a lot and I am still terrified.

Amazed, but definitely still terrified.

I think I am getting the hang of this. Not terrified anymore, just regular scared now. It's a step up :).
Started looking for work everywhere.

Sister from Atlanta visited with her kids for Thanksgiving.

Interviewed at a cool place with a ping pong table, haha!
First time being away from my baby. Not fun - at all!

Birthday was mellow too.

Got the job! Really hard having to leave baby at the daycare everyday and I miss him from the time I drop him off to the time I pick him up. I don't know how others do this :'(.

Christmas was great - at the apartment with brother and family. So fun!

In-laws arrived in the nick of time to ring in the New Year and visit their grandson. Mellow New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Lots of sleeeeep!

This year's update will be in a different post!